Pieces of the puzzle
by ShannenSekaya
Summary: Four months after Janeway comes home from her seven year adventure in the Delta Quadrant, she tells her sister the real story of her and her First Officer. J/C and a little C/7.
1. Chapter 1

Four months after Janeway comes home from her seven year adventure in the Delta Quadrant, she tells her sister the real story of her and her First Officer. J/C and a little C/7.

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and the characters are the property of Paramount/CBS and I am only borrowing them for fun. I make no profit from this.

* * *

"Hey, Kath, are you all right?" said the familiar voice of the only person who still called her "Kath". It was a nickname given to her by her former fiancé Mark, and her sister had liked it. Everyone else called her either "Kathryn" or "Admiral".

"I'm fine," came the automated response. She was busy and really had no time to talk to her sister at the moment. Being an Admiral was quite stressful.

"Liar," her sister said as she sat down. "There's no way you're fine."

Kathryn reluctantly looked from the computer screen and at her sister. She drew a deep breath and said, "What makes you say that?"

"Because," her sister said, not noticing Kathryn's reluctance to talk, "you had lunch with a Captain today."

"And?" Kathryn replied. "I have lunch with my friends all the time."

"Aha," her sister said. "So you're nothing more than friends?"

Kathryn looked back to the computer screen. This was not a topic she was willing to discuss.

"Phoebe," she said, without looking from the screen, "were you following me?"

"No, no, I..." Phoebe started, trying to defend herself. She recovered gracefully by saying, "I was going to surprise you and join you for lunch but I saw that you had other engagements."

Kathryn just mumbled something that vaguely sounded like "All right" and turned her attention back to the computer screen. But her sister was quite persistent.

"And it looked like it ended badly," she said. "Want to tell me what happened?"

"Not really," Kathryn replied. She needed to finish reading these reports for tomorrow and she was in no mood to discuss her lunch with a particular Captain who had happened to be on Earth that day.

"Come on, Kath," her sister pleaded. "He's quite buff."

Kathryn resisted the urge to roll her eyes, instead she said, "Buff?"

"Yes, hot, you know, lights your fire," Phoebe explained. "Makes you want to..."

"That's enough, thank you," Kathryn cut her sister off. "Why are you so interested in this?"

"Because you haven't told me anything about him," Phoebe said immediately, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"There's nothing to tell," Kathryn said. "We're friends, that's all."

"How did you meet? What's his name? What ship is he the Captain of? Are you seeing each other?" Phoebe just didn't stop.

Kathryn drew another deep breath to keep from losing her patience with the little sister. Their entire life, Kathryn had had to put up with her sister's endless questions, about everything.

"Where's dad? What's that? Can I stay in you room? When is dad coming home? Do you have a boyfriend?" Those were common questions when they were young. Kathryn had always tried to be patient with her sister, but sometimes Phoebe could be outright annoying. Like right now.

"Like I said, Phoebe," Kathryn said sternly, "there's nothing to tell. Captain Chakotay and I are friends, that's all."

"That was Chakotay?" Phoebe asked, with a little too much enthusiasm. "You never told me he was so buff."

This time, Kathryn did roll her eyes at her sister. She had talked about Chakotay before, a little bit. It was really impossible to leave him out of the _Voyager_ story because he had been such a big part of it and such a big part of her life. But she had said as little as possible, only that they had become friends and had worked well together. Nothing more.

"I don't have time to talk about this now, Phoebe, I'm busy," Kathryn said, turning once more to the computer screen.

"I knew there was something more going on with him than you let on," Phoebe said triumphantly. "You talked too _little_ about him when you were telling us the whole story."

"There wasn't anything going on then and there certainly isn't anything going on now," Kathryn said, sounding bored.

"I don't believe you," Phoebe insisted. "There's something you're not telling me!"

Kathryn sighed once more and leaned back on the couch. Of course there was something she wasn't telling her sister and she wasn't sure if she should or not. But she knew Phoebe wasn't going to give up, and maybe she would feel better if she talked about it.

"All right," Kathryn said after a while of silence. "I'll tell you everything, but be warned, it's quite a long story."

"That's all right," Phoebe said immediately. Kathryn wondered if she was really so interested in the story or if she believed her sister would feel better if she talked about this.

"It was all my fault, really," Kathryn began her story.

She told her sister about how she had taken Chakotay with her to investigate the plant life of a planet to see if they could stock up on fruits and vegetables. They were both bitten by insects and infected with a disease.

"We spent three weeks..." Kathryn started but her sister cut her off.

"You stayed there for three weeks and nothing happened?" Phoebe said, sounding quite outraged.

"I didn't say that," Kathryn replied calmly.

"But you just said that you're just friends," Phoebe said. "How is that possible? Are you blind? Crazy? Gay?"

"No," Kathryn said, "just listen to the story, Phoebe. We spent three weeks in stasis while the Doctor tried to find a cure for our disease. He was unsuccessful. He did however find out that there was something in the planet's atmosphere that kept the disease from progressing."

"Did you find out what is was?" Phoebe asked enthusiastically but suddenly her expression changed and an odd look crept over her face. "Kathryn, don't tell me you..."

"I did what any good Starfleet Captain would have done," Kathryn replied gravely. "And I don't regret it," she added in response to the serious look on Phoebe's face.

"So, what happened?" Phoebe asked. "You must have gotten off that planet somehow."

"Yes, we did," Kathryn answered. "My crew did exactly what any good Starfleet crew would have done, violated my orders and came back to get us, with a cure."

"How long did you stay there?"

"Six weeks."

"Kathryn!" Phoebe exclaimed.

"Wait for it, the story's not over," Kathryn said. "I spent my time trying to find a cure and Chakotay spent his time hitting on me."

It had been really sweet. He was constantly making something for her, a bathtub, a better headboard for her bed, a small necklace. And she loved it but she didn't get why he was doing it. The truth was that Kathryn had actually been too busy worrying about this disease to notice how interested in her he was.

"Then one night," Kathryn said, "there was a terrible storm. We couldn't do anything but hide under the table in the house. The next morning all my insect traps were gone, destroyed."

"Oh, that must have been terrible," Phoebe said sadly. "So you didn't find a cure?"

Kathryn shook her head. She and Chakotay had spent the day clearing away broken tree branches and picking plastic shards out of the grass. Kathryn wasn't entirely sure if she wanted to tell her sister what had happened that night. She had never talked about it, not even to Chakotay. But it was such an important part of the story that she couldn't really leave it out.

"That night my shoulders hurt more than they had for years," Kathryn said. By the time she had finished telling her how Chakotay had stood up, moved her hair out of the way and rubbed her shoulders, Phoebe was "ooing" and "awwing" and smiling in a dreamy sort of way.

"But that was too much," Kathryn said. "Because that's when I got it. He was serious about his flirting. So I stood up and went to bed."

"Kath," Phoebe said. "Are you crazy?"

"Sometimes I think so, yes," Kathryn replied. "Because I was only in bed for a few minutes."


	2. Chapter 2

"_We have to talk about this," Kathryn said. "We need to define some parameters." She wasn't really sure what she meant by this. She just knew that they had to decide whether they were going to be just friends or something more than that. They were stuck with each other either way, but Kathryn would feel better once it had been decided._

_He looked up at her from his work and replied, "I'm not sure that I can define parameters, but I can tell you a story."_

_

* * *

_

He told her a really beautiful story, an ancient legend, like he phrased it, about a warrior who couldn't find peace. He only felt good when he was in battle. Then one day he and his war party were captured by a woman warrior and her tribe. The woman offered the warrior to join her tribe and fight by her side and it was there, in fighting for her and devoting his life to making her burden lighter, that he finally found peace.

"Of course it sounded so much more beautiful when he said it," Kathryn said sadly. She found that she couldn't remember the exact words that he used and a part of her wished that she had written it down.

"And was there _really_ an ancient legend?" Phoebe asked.

"No," Kathryn laughed. "But he said 'that made it easier to say'. I held out my hand and he took it..." Just like then, Kathryn could now feel a lone tear traveling down her cheek.

"Aww, wow." Phoebe still had that same dreamy smile on her face. "That is so sweet."

"I know," Kathryn replied. "We didn't... we never..." She was at a loss for words. She had never really been good at talking about this. She swallowed and continued. "It wasn't physical, but it had the potential to be. The next day we received a communication from _Voyager_ saying that they were on their way to us and that they would be in orbit in thirty six hours."

"Oh no!" Phoebe said. "That's terrible."

Kathryn smiled. At the time she had secretly agreed. But...

"I wouldn't be here if they hadn't come back to get us," she said.

"Okay, that's a good point," Phoebe said, laughing. "But still, it must have been hard."

"I don't remember much of what happened in those thirty six hours," Kathryn said, struggling to remember. "We packed our things, decided what to take with us and what not, but we didn't talk about anything that really mattered. That didn't happen until later."

* * *

_It had been three days since _Voyager_ had returned to _New Earth_ and picked up their Captain and First Officer. The Captain was sitting in her ready room trying to read reports but was having a hard time concentrating. Her head was filled with the fresh memories of her time on the planet._

_She felt like she was supposed to be angry at Tuvok for rescuing them, but she couldn't. She felt like she should talk to Chakotay about this, but she could barely even look at him, let alone say more than two words to him these days. Everything was so different. She was startled by a chime on the door bell._

"_Enter," she said and looked up from the screen she hadn't really been looking at. It was Chakotay._

"_Captain," he said, quite politely. "I have a personnel report for you." He handed her a pad._

_She took the pad, glanced at it and said, "Thank you," then turned her attention back to the screen, pretending she was busy. When he didn't leave, she looked at him and said, "Was there something else, Commander?"_

_"Are you all right?" Chakotay asked. Janeway looked up at him with a mixture of annoyance and surprise on her face.  
"Yes, I'm fine," she replied, rather more coldly than she intended.  
"Really, Kathryn?" Chakotay persisted. "I've barely seen you for three days."  
"I'm sorry, I've been really busy," Janeway said smiling apologetically. He was obviously genuinely concerned. She wasn't really sure how to behave, a part of her wanted to act as if nothing had happened, but she couldn't. It was all rather confusing.  
"Kathryn, if there is something, anything, you know you can tell me." There was a smile on his face too, one of slight worry and concern, but Janeway was certain that he too was unsure of exactly how to act. "I don't..." she started, but stopped because she wasn't sure what she was going to say. She swallowed twice before she continued. "I know," she said. "Thank you."  
He nodded, turned around and left her ready room. There was a difference, maybe for the better._

_

* * *

_

"And that was it?" Phoebe asked with surprise. "You didn't talk about what happened at all? And he just gave up?"

Kathryn laughed. Phoebe was right to be surprised. They hadn't talked about what happened, not directly. But that didn't mean that their relationship wasn't different. And Chakotay could be just as stubborn as Kathryn herself could be.

"No," she answered. "On both accounts. We didn't talk about it and he didn't give up. Our relationship went in circles, we flirted, got close, closer and closer until I finally stopped it and said 'No, I can't do this' and he would back off and say 'Of course, I'm sorry' and then the circle would start all over again."

"But why?" Phoebe asked. "Why couldn't you? There are no Starfleet regulations that say that the Captain can't do anything she wants in her personal life."

"I know," Kathryn replied. She had been expecting that question. Chakotay had asked her that same question more than once and more than twice and always she gave the same answer. "Our situation was unique. I wasn't just the Captain while I was on duty, I had to be the Captain all the time. Twenty four hours a day. And therefore I couldn't allow myself the luxury of close personal relationships."

"That's a rehearsed answer, Kath," Phoebe said. "What's the real answer?"

Kathryn had been expecting that too. She sighed. She had told Chakotay the real answer in the end, but only after much persuasion. The truth was that she was afraid. And she wasn't sure if she was ready to admit that to her sister.

"Do you remember what happened when dad died?" Kathryn started. Phoebe nodded. Kathryn was certain that that was something either of them would ever forget. Their father had died in a shuttle accident on Tau Ceti Prime and Kathryn had been responsible for it. Unfortunately for Kathryn, her fiancé, Justin had also been aboard the shuttle, and had also lost his life. Kathryn was depressed for several months, almost suicidal, until her sister had finally forced her to get out of bed and Kathryn had rebuilt her life.

"Two years later I fell in love again," Kathryn said. "His name was William Anderson, he was a technician at a colony planet. The colony had been suffering from seismic activity and we were sent there to help the colonists rebuild. I was still heartbroken after losing Justin and it took me a long time to start trusting him. We spent one night together, then my ship was ordered to leave the colony and I never saw him again. We were going to stay in touch, but only about two months after we left, we got news that he had died in one of the earthquakes."


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, that's horrible, Kathryn," Phoebe said, almost in tears. "Why haven't you told me this before?"

"I don't know," Kathryn said sadly. "I'm so sorry." She put a reassuring hand on her sister's arm.

Kathryn told her sister about a string of men who she "fell in love with" and lost over the next few years. She wasn't sure if she had actually been in love with them or if she had just thought she was, but it didn't matter. The sense of loss was what mattered and that was real enough.

"And then I met Mark," Kathryn continued. "He was kind and handsome and patient. Very patient. I don't know if you remember, but out relationship proceeded very slowly. We had been seeing each other for almost eight years before we got engaged."

Phoebe nodded. Kathryn was sure she remembered, because at the time Phoebe had always been nudging her about it. Asking her when they were going to have children or when they were going to get married. Kathryn had finally forgotten her fears of losing him and agreed to marry him. They had been engaged for two years when she was given command of _Voyager_.

"And you lost him too," Phoebe finished. "I understand. You were afraid of losing Chakotay. And as the Captain, that was something you couldn't afford."

Kathryn was reminded of how much she liked her sister at that moment. There were some things thats Phoebe just understood without explanation.

"Exactly," she replied. "Unfortunately it seems I have lost him anyway. Just not in the manner I was afraid of."

"What do you mean?" Phoebe asked.

* * *

"_Logic, function, control. Logic is the foundation of function, function is the essence of control. I am in control."_

_Kathryn knew there was more to the Vulcan meditation but she couldn't remember it. She was sitting cross legged on the floor, her elbows resting on her knees, her hands clasped together, her index fingers loosened and facing straight up in a standard Vulcan meditation pose._

_It had been a week since the _Equinox_ incident. She had spent every waking hour of those days sitting like this, trying to regain control of her emotions. At first she had been angry. So angry at everything, at the _Equinox_ crew for torturing those poor alien beings, at Chakotay for being right when he said she had gone too far, and especially at herself, for going too far. She wasn't feeling angry anymore, just a little sad, and extremely guilty._

_Her thoughts and attempts to meditate were interrupted by a chime on the doorbell of her quarters. She drew a deep breath. All she wanted to do was to shout at whoever it was and tell them to leave her alone, but she knew it wasn't their fault. It was probably Chakotay. He had tried her doorbell at least once every day for the past week. Kathryn was grateful to him for not using his command override to get in and make sure she wasn't hurt. Maybe it was time to let him in._

"_Enter," she said, but didn't move. She heard the soft swoosh of the door, then light steps and Chakotay came into view a moment later. He sat down directly opposite her._

"_Is it working?" he asked._

"_What?" Kathryn pretended not to know what he meant._

"_The Vulcan meditation," he clarified. "Is that what you've been doing all week?"_

"_Yes and no," she said vaguely. At the slightly confused look on his face, she explained. "Yes, I've been trying to meditate all week and no it's not working."_

"_Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked gently._

_Kathryn smiled slightly at his concern. It was just like him to start by offering her help in a gentle way and then try to force it on her the hard way if she didn't take it. She decided to take it, she had had enough of the hard way to last her at least a year._

"_How do you get over wanting to murder someone?" she asked._

"_You don't," he answered. "It's not the sort of thing you get over."_

_Kathryn had suspected that. She would have to live with it._

"_Then how do you live with it?" she asked._

"_Well," he said. "That's a bit more difficult to answer. The first question you need to answer, Kathryn is, did you really want to murder them? I mean, were you actually so angry that you would have killed them in cold blood if you could have?"_

_That was exactly the question Kathryn had been thinking about for the past week and the answer was..._

"_Yes," she said sadly. "I wanted to kill them, I wanted them to suffer in the same way that those aliens had to suffer, but I also wanted them to suffer in the same way that I was suffering."_

"_I understand," he said. "They were Starfleet. Your faith in Starfleet has always been unyielding, absolute. Then you were faced Starfleet people who behaved like monsters, people who you thought would abide by your precious Starfleet values and beliefs, but they had thrown them out the airlock. Obviously you suffered a crisis of faith."_

"_You make it sound like I'm religious," was all she could say._

"_That's because you are, Kathryn," he said, a slight smile on his face. "Starfleet's rules and values are as important to you as the ten commandments are to a Christian."_

_He had a point there. Starfleet was not god or all powerful and Kathryn knew that. But she believed in the rules and values of Starfleet and believed that they could get her through any situation._

"_So," he continued. "You weren't sure what to do. I hope you can forgive me for saying this, but you did the wrong thing. You threw the Starfleet values out the airlock too."_

_Kathryn just looked at him in defeat. He was right. She had thrown the values out the airlock and behaved exactly like the _Equinox_ crew had done._

"_Of course I can forgive you," she said. "You're right. And you were right a week ago too. The real question is, can you forgive me?"_

_At that, Chakotay smiled and said, "No, Kathryn. The real question is, can you forgive yourself?"_

_Once again, he was right. That was the real question._

"_Think about that," he encouraged her. "Stop blaming yourself, stop being angry and allow yourself to forgive. Forgive me, forgive them, but most of all, forgive yourself."_

"_Thank you," she said gratefully. He had a way of making her see things from a different perspective. "Why are you so kind, I don't deserve your help."_

"_Kathryn," he said, quite gently. "If there is anything I can do to help you, just let me know. Anytime, day or night, I'll be there."_

"_Thank you," she said again, her eyes watering. "Could you just stay with me for a while? Maybe you can help me to meditate?"_

_

* * *

_

Phoebe's eyes were watering too. She was now leaning her head on Kathryn's shoulder and sounded as though she were trying not to cry.

"I still don't understand how you 'lost' him and why you're not together now that you're no longer his Captain," she said.

"I warned you that this was a long story," Kathryn said. "We never talked about being together when we got home. Maybe it was because getting home was such a distant possibility, our homecoming was quite sudden. We had some flings with aliens, holograms, but it was never very serious. Except once."

Kathryn told Phoebe about Jaffen. If he had met Kathryn under "normal" circumstances, he wouldn't have stood a chance against Chakotay. But Kathryn had no memories of Chakotay or _Voyager_ when she met Jaffen and he was nice, handsome and charming. In fact, he was a lot like Chakotay in many ways. She had been quite happy with him for a while. She had also been remarkably fast to trust him, she moved in with him after having only known him for a few weeks. And then Chakotay saved her.

She couldn't blame him for it, it was to be expected. It just made everything quite complicated. When she first saw him without the plastic surgery disguise, she knew she knew him and she knew they were close. There were all kinds of emotions connected to this man, care, love, devotion, but she couldn't have said how she knew him or what his name was. After the whole thing was over and she returned to the ship, the first memories to return to her were memories of him. He was the one who took her to her quarters and showed her pictures of her, told her about her life and forced her to remember.


	4. Chapter 4

"_You are Chakotay," Kathryn said, with slight uncertainty._

"_That's right," the man in front of her replied. "You and I are colleagues."_

"_We are also friends," she said, a little more certain now. "Close friends."_

"_Yes," he confirmed._

"_And we met here," she said. "On _Voyager_. You are the First Officer and I am the Captain."_

"_Right again," he said, smiling. "Anything else you need help with?"_

"_There is something I'm confused about," she said, crinkling her eyebrows as she tried to remember. "I have a memory of a forest clearing, a gray house and a garden patch. I was planting something and you brought me a cup of coffee. Did we live together?"_

_He didn't answer her right away and his expression hardened, which she found odd. Did she say something wrong?_

"_It was a long time ago," he finally said. "We lived together for six weeks. We were in a sort of quarantine." He didn't explain it any further than that and it frustrated her. She tried to concentrate harder on that particular memory._

_In the end it came to her. _New Earth_, the cute little monkey, the insect traps, the bathtub, the storm, the angry warrior. A look of comprehension dawned on her face and Chakotay must have noticed it because his face relaxed a little bit. She nodded._

"_I remember," she said. "We never talked about it."_

"_No," he confirmed, "we never did."_

"_Why not?" she asked._

"_Because.." he started but stopped. Kathryn wondered if he didn't know. "We just never did."_

"_You and I we seem pretty close," she said. "Just exactly, how close did we become?"_

_Chakotay smiled. This seemed to amuse him, but Kathryn had no idea why._

"_Let's just say, there are some barriers we never cross," came his reply._

_

* * *

_

"Oh, Kath," Phoebe said one more time. "I'm telling you, you are crazy."

Kathryn decided to ignore the comment. She knew perfectly well how crazy she was. And she was about to tell her sister more.

"The story is not over yet," she said. And then she told her sister about Seven of Nine. She told her how she had come to value Seven's friendship, how important Seven was to her and how surprised she was when she found out that Seven had a romantic interest in Chakotay.

"Kath," Phoebe said. "I don't get it. Are you telling me that Seven is the reason you're not together now?"

"Yes," Kathryn confirmed. "And, like I said before, it was my fault." She leaned towards the computer terminal on the table in front of her and turned it off. It was far too late now for her to finish those reports anyway. Then she leaned back again and put her feet under her, leaning closer to her sister in the process.

"Seven and Chakotay worked well together," Kathryn said. "But they weren't friends. They weren't enemies either, they just weren't on personal terms with each other. I was therefore very surprised when one day Seven asked me if I though Chakotay would make a good mate."

"And what did you say?" Phoebe asked, smiling.

"What was I supposed to say?" Kathryn said, also smiling. "The truth? No, I gave her a vague answer that he was intelligent, strong and a good leader and therefore might possess the necessary qualities, but mostly I asked her why she was asking."

Seven had told Kathryn that she had been receiving social lessons from the Doctor and included in those were lessons which involved dating. She had tried those with no luck several years before, but the Doctor thought it might be time for her to try it again and suggested that she find herself someone to teach her. Her ideal choice was Chakotay, but she hadn't mentioned it to him yet.

"She wasn't about to admit it to me," Kathryn said, "but I think she was trying to seek my approval. She, like everyone else, knew that Chakotay and I were very close, and therefore wanted to seek my approval before acting on her choice."

"And you gave it to her?" Phoebe's voice was once again filled with outrage. "Why? That's the last thing you should have done!"

"I know," Kathryn said. "And it was the last thing I wanted to do as well. But we were facing at least another twenty years in the Delta quadrant, we couldn't have known we would be home in just a few months. But I didn't give _her_ my approval, I gave it to him."

* * *

"_Can I ask you something?" Kathryn said as she laid down her fork. It was Wednesday and she and Chakotay were having their weekly dinner in her quarters. As usually she had failed at making anything edible and they had both spent the entire evening prodding their food with their forks, while chatting lightly and flirting slightly, as was their custom._

"_Of course," Chakotay replied as he set his fork down as well._

"_Why are you still alone?" she asked. A look of surprise and confusion came over his face and he took some time thinking up an answer._

"_I'm not alone," he said finally. "I have a lot of friends, a good crew, a good Captain..."_

"_That's not what I mean," she cut him off. "I mean..."_

"_I know what you mean." It was his turn to cut her off. "I don't know, really. I don't think about it very much."_

"_Maybe it's time you did," Kathryn said. "You should find yourself a nice girl and settle down, get married, have children..." her voice trailed off._

_He was silent for a long time, then finally he said, "You're serious about this?"_

"_Yes," she said._

"_And do you have someone in mind?" he said in a tone of voice which suggested he was mocking her. Kathryn ignored it and said what she had in mind._

"_Seven of Nine."_

_

* * *

_

"Kathryn!" Phoebe interrupted the story. "How could you do that?"

"I won't deny that it was pretty hard," Kathryn said. "But I had to think about what was best for them, not me. See, Seven deserved to fall in love with a nice man, and Chakotay was the only person I would have trusted to take care of her, he was the only one good enough for her and it would have been very selfish of me to deny her that."

"Oh, Kath," Phoebe said yet again. "You're nuts."

* * *

"_You're serious about this?" Chakotay asked again. Kathryn nodded._

"_Very much," she replied._

"_Why her?" he asked._

"_Because she likes you," Kathryn replied, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "But don't tell her I told you that."_

"_I won't," he agreed. "Are you sure?"_

"_Yes," she said. "Absolutely. She deserves to be with a nice man, someone who can take care of her and there is no one I would trust better to do that than you."_

"_It would change everything," he said after some silence. "Between us."_

"_We would never stop being friends," Kathryn replied. "But it would change a lot of things."_

"_Of course we wouldn't stop being friends," he agreed, smiling. "I can't imagine a world without you as my friend."_

_Kathryn looked at him and smiled. This only confirmed what she had been thinking about the whole day, that he would be perfect for Seven. They both knew that they would never be together while she was the Captain and she didn't want him to end up sad and alone._

"_Neither can I," she agreed. "Will you at least think about it?" she added._

"_I will think about it," he consented._


	5. Chapter 5

"I don't know exactly when, but some time after that Seven and Chakotay started dating," Kathryn said. "We didn't talk about it, I pretended not to have any idea about it."

"Why?" Phoebe asked.

"Because it was logical," Kathryn said. "It did hurt to see them together, know of them together, if I pretended I didn't know, it was easier to ignore."

"And are they still together?" Phoebe asked.

"Yes," Kathryn confirmed. She decided not to tell her sister about Admiral Janeway and her comments about a possible marriage between Chakotay and Seven. Admiral Janeway's arrival from the future had been classified by Starfleet and if Kathryn had told Phoebe about it she would have been violating that. "Remember when you said my lunch looked like it ended badly?"

Suddenly, Phoebe looked embarrassed. Kathryn suppressed a smile, she had been expecting that.

"About that," Phoebe said. "I lied. I was following you."

"I know," Kathryn replied.

"What? How?" Phoebe asked. "Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

"Because you've met Chakotay before," Kathryn said. "And I wanted to see how long you could keep lying to me." She couldn't suppress the smile anymore.

"I was hoping you wouldn't remember that," Phoebe said, smiling as well. "We met at the Federation Council reception."

"That's right," Kathryn said. "Did you hear everything as well?"

Phoebe nodded. Kathryn was actually relieved.

"Good," she said. "Because it's not a conversation I want to remember. I was so mean to him."

"I know," Phoebe said. "You were a real bitch. But I get it."

"How do I apologize for something like that?" Kathryn said sadly. She was afraid this time she might have pushed Chakotay so far away that they would never even be friends again.

"Just tell him that you were overreacting," Phoebe said, as though it was the simplest thing. "If he really is your friend, he'll understand. But you also have to tell him that you'll always be his friend, no matter what he does. Leaving Starfleet is not a capital offense."

"I know," Kathryn said, "and I didn't mean it like that. I just got upset because it was I who petitioned Starfleet to let him stay, I even got them to promote him. And now he wants to take everything I did for him and throw it out the airlock."

"It's not about you, Kathryn," Phoebe said. "You and Starfleet are not the same thing."

"No?" Sometimes Kathryn had a difficulty seeing the difference. She was Starfleet through and through. She lived in Starfleet, she lived for Starfleet, she was raised Starfleet. If someone said something offensive about Starfleet, Kathryn took it as a personal insult. Chakotay was right, she was religiously devoted to it.

"No, you are not," Phoebe said. "I know you are practically married to the job, but you must see the difference. Someone can like you, even if they don't like Starfleet."

"And someone can like Starfleet even if they don't like me," Kathryn offered.

"Exactly," Phoebe said. "I'm about to shock you even more, Kath. After you were gone, I went and talked to him."

"Phoebe!" It was Kathryn's turn to be outraged.

* * *

"_Kathryn?" Phoebe Janeway heard the man sitting at her sister's table shout as her sister walked away. She had heard the entire conversation. In her honest opinion, her sister was being a bitch. She stood up and walked over to his table._

"_Mind if I join you, Captain?" she said as she walked into his line of view._

_He looked at her with mild surprise and then said, "No, sure."_

"_I'm Phoebe," she said. "Kath's baby sister."_

"_I know," the Captain Phoebe knew to be Chakotay said. "We met at the Federation Council reception."_

"_That's right," Phoebe said. "I feel like I must apologize to you on my sister's behalf, she's not usually this bitchy."_

"_There is no need to apologize," he said. "She's just upset because I mentioned leaving Starfleet, she'll be all right. And I didn't take it personally."_

"_I heard," she said. "She takes Starfleet very seriously."_

"_I know," Chakotay said. "I was expecting her to be upset, but not this much."_

"_Perhaps she's also upset about something else," Phoebe wondered. She suspected her sister's mood had something to do with the woman she had been talking about to the Captain, Seven of Nine._

"_Like what?" the Captain asked, apparently pretending not to know what she was talking about._

"_Like your relationship with Seven of Nine," she said with her characteristic blunt honesty._

"_Why would she be upset about that?" Chakotay asked. "Seven and I have been seeing each other for months now, I think she would have gotten used to the idea."_

"_Even though she's used to it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt her," Phoebe said. She was guessing a little bit here. Kath hadn't outright told her that she was upset about Chakotay's relationship with Seven or that she was or had ever been in love with him, but Phoebe had suspected something like that from the way she _hadn't_ talked about him._

_The Captain just gave her a blank look. It looked like that was something he had never considered before. After a while of silence, he said, "Why wouldn't she have said something?"_

_Phoebe smiled._

"_Because she's a woman," she said, like it was the most obvious thing. "And she's very private. She would rather live in pain than admit to anyone how she feels."_

"_I should have thought about that," he said, thoughtful. Phoebe wondered at the relationship he had had with her sister. She knew that he had been her First Officer and that they had become friends, but how close friends exactly, she had no idea. "Thank you," he added and looked up at her._

"_Did you know that your eyes are the exact same shade of blue as Kathryn's are?" he asked. Phoebe smiled. Like she thought, they were very close. The fact that he knew exactly what shade of blue Kath's eyes were and the fact that he had called her Kathryn proved it._

"_Thank you," she said, stood up and walked away, in the same direction as her sister had gone, leaving the Captain alone to finish his soup._

_

* * *

_

"Phoebe," Kathryn said again. "I think it's time for me to tell _you_ that you're crazy."

Phoebe just smiled and rested her head on her sister's shoulder again.

"But," Kathryn continued, "thank you. I don't know what I would do without you."

* * *

At the same time, far away, a man was sitting cross-legged on the floor. In front of him an animal cloth was laid out and on it were several items. Among them were a stone with tribal carvings, an animal bone, a small wood carved necklace on a leather string and of course the Akoona.

He touched each of the items lightly, remembering why they were important to him. The stone had been a gift from his father. The bone was from the first animal he had ever hunted. It was important not only because it was the first animal he killed, but also because it had been after this hunt, after seeing how the animal suffered, that he decided to become a vegetarian. The Akoona always reminded him of his mother, because she had tried to explain the science behind it to him. He'd been very angry, he hadn't wanted to know. And the necklace had a very special story.


	6. Chapter 6

_Commander Chakotay was on the holodeck looking over his Captain's shoulder. She had just finished sawing a cube shaped piece off a larger piece of dark wood. It had gone remarkably well for a beginner._

"_Are you sure you've never done this before?" he asked teasing._

"_Yes," the Captain replied, smiling. "I told you already I'm not the artistic one in the family."_

_It had been a month since they returned to the ship after their time on _New Earth_. They hadn't talked about it, just assured each other that they would be friends. This holoprogram had been her idea. She had told him that she had been pretty impressed with his wood carving skills and asked him if he could teach her._

"_And what am I supposed to make?" she asked._

"_You can make anything you like," he answered as he walked around the table to be on the opposite side. "You could make a small bowl or a statue, maybe even a necklace."_

"_A necklace would need some sort of hole or opening for a string," she said. It was just like her to pick the hardest task available._

"_Yes," he confirmed. "It can be either at the top or in the middle."_

_She worked in silence for a long time. Meanwhile Chakotay sawed his own piece of wood and made a statue of something that was supposed to be a bear, but looked more like some other sort of animal. He didn't look up until Kathryn suddenly said, "Aw."_

"_Are you all right?" he asked._

_Like people sometimes do, she had instinctively put her finger in her mouth when she saw it was bleeding. Therefore she couldn't say anything but "Mhm" until she finally took her finger from her mouth and examined it closely._

"_Oh no," she suddenly said._

"_What?" Chakotay asked worried. _

"_I've spilled blood all over my necklace," she said with a half smile. "It's strange how much such a small and superficial cut can bleed."_

_Chakotay sighed in relief. Since their return to the ship, he had found himself worrying so much more about her than he had before. But he often found that it was unnecessary because Captain Kathryn Janeway could hold her own._

"_I'll find you dermal regenerator," he said._

_After her cut was healed she continued working on the necklace. She made an opening for the string and some sort of criss-cross pattern._

"_There," she said a long time later. "It's done."_

_He looked up and saw her holding the necklace in front of him. He took it and examined it closely._

"_It's very nice," he said. He would probably not have said that if it had been made by anyone else and if she hadn't been an absolute beginner._

"_Thank you," she said, beaming._

"_What's this?" he said, pointing to something that looked like some sort of disfigured "C"._

"_That was supposed to be a 'J'," she said. "But it accidentally ended up like something else. Wood seems to have a way of not doing what I want it to."_

_Chakotay smiled. He had found that out too when he had first started. In fact his father had warned him about it several times._

"_I should have warned you," he said. He handed the necklace back to her. "Now we just need to replicate you some sort of leather string and you'll have a very nice necklace."_

"_No, I want you to have it," she said._

_He just looked at her with a blank expression. He had not been expecting her to say that._

"_At first I didn't intend to make it for you," she explained, "but it would be rather suspicious for me to have a necklace with a 'C' on it, so I'd like to give it to you."_

_He smiled. Her words hadn't made complete sense to him but he appreciated the gift._

"_Thank you," he said._

_

* * *

_

It was one of the very few material gifts she had ever given him. If he looked at it closely he could still see the blood stains on it. He automatically smiled at the memory of it.

He touched the Akoona and closed his eyes.

* * *

"_You are in conflict my son," his father's voice said._

"_I know," he said. "I'm not sure what to do."_

"_What you should always do, Chakotay," Kolopak said. "Follow your heart."_

"_Father," Chakotay said. "I'm unsure of what my heart wants."_

"_You need to separate your sense of duty from your love," his father said. "You feel you have a duty to stay with the woman who shares your bed, because she is expecting you to. But do you love her?"_

_Chakotay was silent for a while. Maybe his father was right. Things were so different here, somehow much more complicated and much simpler at the same time. He sat in silence and thought about his father's words for a long time._

"_Thank you father," he said after finally making a decision._

_

* * *

_

He opened his eyes and took his hand from the Akoona, smiling. He felt better than he had for a long time. His heart was full of hope.

Early the next morning Captain Chakotay beamed down to Starfleet Headquarters. He walked the corridors to a specific door, it opened and he walked inside. A young Vulcan man was sitting by a small desk, another door to his right. Chakotay handed the Vulcan a pad and said, "Give this to her when she comes in." The Vulcan nodded and Chakotay left without another word.

He went back to the transporter pads, this time beaming to the middle of rural Colorado. At the base of a small hill was a small old fashioned farm house. Chakotay liked this house, it was the sort of house he would have liked to live in when he got old. This thought put a smile on his lips as he remembered a young Kazon who, many years ago, had been sent to kill him to earn his name. The boy hadn't understood Chakotay's reluctance to fight him and had asked if he wanted to die a wrinkled old man in his bed. That was exactly what he wanted and preferably with a wrinkled old woman next to him.

He knocked on the door, twice. After a while an old withered woman came to the door. Irene Hansen wasn't as old as she looked. She was probably only about ninety years old, but stress, hard work and a lot of worrying about her family had taken its toll.

"Come in, young man," she said, smiling. "My niece is in the kitchen. She's trying to make brownies."

Chakotay couldn't help chuckling. Compared to Seven's cooking, Kathryn's cooking was wonderful, and Kathryn was undeniably terrible at cooking, even with a replicator.

"Chakotay," Seven said in what passed for brightly for her. "Your timing coincides with my first attempt at baking. You can taste them they are finished." She had an apron on over her bodysuit and her hands were covered in brownie dough. She bit some of the dough off one of her fingers, then offered him a finger of his own to taste.

"No, thank you," Chakotay said politely. "What kind of brownies are they?"

"They are chocolate brownies," Seven answered. She proceeded towards the sink and washed the rest of the dough off her hands.

"I'm sure they will taste very nice," he said, still trying his best to be polite. "Seven, there is something I'd like to discuss with you." This might have been too direct with anyone else, but he had found that being equally direct with Seven as she was with everyone else was the best way to get her attention.

"Actually," Seven replied. "There is something I would like to discuss with you as well."


	7. Chapter 7

About an hour later, Admiral Kathryn Janeway walked into her office at Starfleet Headquarters. She found a PADD waiting for her on her desk. She absentmindedly picked it up and read it's contents as she walked over to the replicator to order her usual morning coffee. As she sat down by the desk and sipped her coffee, she put the PADD down and smiled.

It was a letter from Captain Chakotay. When she saw who it was from she had automatically assumed it was a letter of resignation, but was glad to find out it wasn't. After thinking it over, she didn't want Chakotay to leave Starfleet but if he wanted to, she would support him. However, that didn't mean she wasn't glad he decided not to.

She took another sip of her coffee as she turned on the computer terminal on her desk. She tapped a few controls and a few moments later she was talking to Lieutenant Harry Kim, _Voyager's_ Operations officer.

"Admiral," Kim said. "How can I help you?"

"Harry," Janeway said brightly. "I would like to speak with the Captain."

"I'm sorry, Admiral," Kim said, his expression peculiar, "the Captain is not here."

"Do you know where he is?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "Or when he will be back?"

"No, ma'am," Kim replied, but there was something about his expression that suggested to Janeway that he was lying to her. She smiled, the Captain had probably gone to see Seven of Nine, and Harry was trying to protect his Captain's privacy.

"Well then," she said. "When he gets back, can you tell him I'd like to speak with him?"

"Of course, Admiral," Kim said.

A moment later his face disappeared from the screen. Janeway leaned back in her chair and kept sipping her coffee. She wasn't sure how long she was just sitting there, staring out the window, occasionally taking a sip of her coffee, apparently lost in thought, but unable to focus on anything specific. Her jumbled thoughts were interrupted by a chime on the doorbell.

"Enter," she said as she drew a deep breath and turned to face the door.

The door opened with a soft swoosh and in stepped the last person she had expected to see in there.

"Admiral," he said smiling as the door closed behind him. "How are you this morning?"

"Captain," she replied. "I am just fine, thank you. And you?"

"I am very well," he answered. "Thank you."

She motioned to a chair in front of her desk and he sat down without another word. After a few moments of silence, they both visibly relaxed their shoulders and breathed easier.

"Did you get the letter I sent you?" Chakotay said.

"Yes, I did," Janeway replied, smiling softly. "Thank you." She was silent for a moment, then said, "I owe you an apology."

"That's all right," Chakotay said. "I understand."

"Still," she said. "I am sorry, I overreacted."

"Your sister explained it to me," he said, smiling. "Did you know she that her eyes are exactly the same shade of blue as yours?"

"She told me you said that," Janeway said, smiling more fully now.

"But I accept your apology," he said, his smile fading a little bit.

Janeway nodded. They both knew she didn't often admit it when she was wrong.

"May I ask what prompted your decision to stay in Starfleet after all?" she asked a moment later.

"I had an enlightening conversation with my father," he replied cryptically. "He has a way of making me see things from a different angle."

Janeway smiled, but said nothing. They sat in silence for a while. It was a familiar tense silence, filled with the crackling electricity that had existed between them for almost seven years.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said as he leaned forwards in his chair. "There is something I should tell you."

She looked at him with her eyebrows raised as if inviting him to continue.

"Seven and I broke up this morning."

Janeway looked as if she were stunned for a moment, then recovered and a look of mild surprise dominated her features.

"Why?" was all she said.

"Because she's not the right woman for me," Chakotay said, again rather cryptically.

When he didn't say anything more on the subject, Janeway said, "I'm so sorry to hear that," with as much sympathy as she could muster. Apparently it wasn't enough.

"No you're not," Chakotay said, smiling. "But thanks for saying that."

"I've never been able to lie to you," she said, smiling.

"That's all right," he said, reaching for her hand and squeezing it lightly.

* * *

It was almost dinner time when Admiral Kathryn Janeway made her way to the transporter platforms on the ground level of Starfleet Headquarters. Her mother would not be surprised, she often worked late. _Married to the job_, she thought to herself. Her step was lighter than it had been for several months. Yesterday her heart had been filled with emptiness and worry, now it was full of hope.

* * *

When Phoebe Janeway saw her sister walk up the old drive way of their home in Indiana, she immediately noticed that there was a difference. She seemed happier, her step was lighter and she was smiling to herself. Phoebe smiled. Everything was going according to her plan. The puzzle might not be complete yet, but several pieces were already in the right place.

* * *

Authors note: Thanks so much for reading and for all the nice reviews :-) Hugs!


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